Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Show Report - Paintapalooza!

Friday July 28, LOCO Roller Derby Fundraiser, outside Brantford.

Private Parts, Major Tatas, and General Pervery reported for duty at
the Paintball Field!

D - I'm a General Now! Does that mean you have to follow my orders
or end up in the brig?

M -- Saigon... shit; I'm still only in Saigon... Every time I think
I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle.

C - the drive to Brantford was pretty chill, and included helping an
older lady pick out a fancy bottle of tequila for a gift, and roaming
the grocery store while people stared at our weird hair & matching hot
orange shirts.

M--My orders say I'm not supposed to know where I'm taking this boat,
so I don't! But one look at you, and I know it's gonna be hot!

C - the derby team had fixed us a cooler with our name on it, full of
ice, beer, and a bottle of Cuervo... I hit that pretty hard. Can we
please not mention quite HOW hard I hit that bottle? I also blame the
extreme sunshine for frying my brain.

D - In Soviet Russia, bottle hits you! Let's just say that there's only
about 6 ounces left in that bottle. We don't need to explain exactly what
size bottle it was! But it was fun carrying on conversations and eating food
that Cynthia will never remember!
Did we mention the show took place at Crazy Bill's Paintball! So it was
only fitting that Mandy and I partook in a little rhythm section rivalry on the
field. Sure, she's in much better shape than I, but I also have some marksman
skills. We both wear our bruises with pride! She just wears a few more!!

M-- There's mines over there, there's mines over there, and watch out
those goddamn monkeys bite, I'll tell ya.

C - i sobered up in time to change into camo gear, walk around parking
lot doing vocal warmups looking insane, and chug some water before the
set. i *think* we played fairly well. everyone seemed to really dig
it! i've never had to focus while smacking mosquitos before though.

D - And the "camo" gear was PINK! Yes, PINK camouflage! Just in case we
needed to invade Candyland! But as usual, some strange force had removed my
pants halfway through the set. And not that much longer my underwear was on
the stage between Cynthia and Mandy!
I don't know whose drum throne I borrowed, but I apologize profusely!

C - oh man... some things cannot be unseen. but we made it through two & a half new covers and a brand new original without going totally off the rails. so there's something to be said for the power of discount Red Rain!

M--I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no
right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a
right to do that... but you have no right to judge me.

C- halfway through the set i was interrupted by J pouring a shot of
tequila into my face. i am a professional, so i managed not to choke,
or drip any on the guitar. the two new covers turned out great, and
the new derby song was a hit, even though SOMEBODY started it just a
bit too quick!

D - I wasn't wearing any pants! And there was a stage full of half naked Derby girls!
I might have wanted to get through the last couple of songs a little quicker, If you
know what I mean!

M--They were gonna make me a Major for this, and I wasn't even in
their fuckin' army anymore.

C - the last few songs had a whack of scantily clad derby gals on
stage dancing - bikini tops were displaying boobies everywhere!

D- Hey wait....that's not a drumstick!!!

C- somewhere there is a glorious photo of me on my knees, still
wearing guitar, with pick in my teeth, reaching up to grab a boobie on
each side of me. life is grand, kiddies. life is grand!

M--They're out there operating without any decent restraint, totally
beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And they're is still
in the field, commanding troops.

D - I felt like I was hosting Romper Room with the dirty magic mirror...
I see Sammi and Stephanie and Kole and.....booooooooobies!
The hostages were released!
We weren't allowed to do an encore unless more more hostages were released.
Thankfully the demands were met!

C - Romper Room! LOL  perfection.

M--Disneyland? Fuck, man, this is better than Disneyland!

C - i was awoken at 5:40 am by a rooster crowing. a ROOSTER fer
crissakes. i woke up in a cartoon.

D - But I thought early morning cock was good? We we're in the cuntry after all! :)

M--Smell that? You smell that?  Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world
smells like that.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

C - Doug, did you actually hand me the tequila bottle around 10am? well done, sir.

D - Breakfast of Champions!

M--This General guy? He's wacko, man! He's worse than crazy. He's
evil. It's fuckin' pagan idolatry.

D - And no mention of the colossal Poutine ritual! Nothing says brunch like an enormous
plate of  Ham, Bacon and Sausage covered poutine. And Mandy's Maple, Bacon and
fried onion with a sunny side up egg on top poutine was just as epic! She knows...
She knows!

M--The horror... the horror...

No comments: